A Passing & Changes
Paul is in Miami and my father is on his way home, so I think it’s finally time to tell you all how our lives have changed. It’s taken me over a month to gather my thoughts enough to write about this, much the same way it did after my own mother’s death two years ago. As a result the blog has fallen many weeks behind (and we’ve moved many steps forward), but such is life. In any case here we are now and here it is.
On July 23rd Paul’s mom died very suddenly.
In some ways it was not entirely unexpected. She had been in poor and declining health for a long time. Her kidneys failed several years ago, so she’d been on dialysis for multiple years with all the difficult complications that come thereof. It’s a hard and all-consuming existence that I would never wish on anyone.
Despite this her death wasn’t expected, mostly because we just didn’t expect it to happen just then. She’d been doing really well recently, in good spirits and stable health-wise. She even went to a dinner and music the night before her passing, having more fun than she’d had for a while.
Yet for all the medical miracles that kept her going it was her heart that gave out in the end, suddenly and abruptly. In that moment she was finally free of this earthly life and no longer in pain. For that part at least, I’m deeply relieved and happy for her.
Those of you that have had death in your lives know exactly what it feels like when you get that call.
No matter what the circumstance expected it not, it’s a heart-wrenching moment that breaks your life in two, much like a bird whose wings are clipped in mid-flight. One moment you’re cruising along the road of your mostly predictable earthly life and then suddenly your loft is gone. You plummet to earth and the world goes dizzy and black around you. And even before you have any chance of coming to grips with that surreal experience, you’re asked to deal with the horrible and complicated paperwork of death. Police, funeral home, casket, arrangements, death certificates and everyone calling you who wants to know what has happened. It’s crazy really.
Everyone goes through this transition, the natural path between life and death, absolutely everyone. But it doesn’t ever lessen the pain. It’s a personal challenge we all must face, at one time or another.
And I felt it too. Not everyone has the incredible luck that I did to marry into a family who accepts you so fully and completely. Paul’s mom loved me deeply and always told me she felt I was the daughter she never had, and truly I felt just as deeply for her! We were from very different cultures, the fiery Cuban and the independent Dane, but we loved each other in the very profoundest of ways. Her life was faced with so many challenges, yet she always held her head high and forged forward with the belief that things would get better. She was an amazing woman with incredible inner strength and I loved her positive spirit. I will miss her terribly.
Her passing has changed us, although it’s hard to say exactly what that means.
Paul’s mom was a proud woman, so we never mentioned her health on the blog (sorry to do so now, mom) but she was our tether and a core part of our life-plan for many years. We always planned our travels so Paul could fly home 3-4 times per year. Then as things progressed we discussed how to get closer. So this past Christmas we traveled East, organized a big family Christmas gathering in Miami and stayed on for a total of 6 months in the area. It was all for mom, and in retrospect I’m so very glad we did it. Perhaps instinctively we knew time was shortening, although we never really knew how long we had? Either way, those are now memories that we will treasure forever.
Then in April, after much discussion we decided to travel again with the caveat that we would stay East “just in case”, planning our route close to major airports. We had a few scares earlier in the year that almost caused us to turn the RV around, and Paul flew home for another good visit while we were in Washington DC at the end of May. But then things improved and seemed to go well again, in fact rather better than they had before. So we decided to keep going, planning another few flights home for Paul with the goal of going back down to Florida for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was all meticulously planned out, right up until we got that call.
For those who’ve been through the death of a family member you may understand when I say I feel we’ve lost our anchor. The rope has been cut and we suddenly feel like we’re floating dangerously and without purpose. In the space of two years both our moms have passed and it’s incredibly destabilizing. I know we aren’t special or unusual in this respect, but everyone experiences their grief differently. We suddenly feel like we need to re-anchor and re-connect to the earth.
What does that all mean exactly?
Honestly we don’t know. We’re here in Maine in a nice spot so we’re going to finish out our month, but then I think we’re going to change plans. Although we had bookings in Florida for all of this coming winter season, neither of us feel ready to go back there right now. Plus we feel we need time away to grieve and heal, just the two of us. So, we’ve decided to ditch our Eastern plans and head back out West.
This was the same idea we had earlier in the year, but decided to change based on everything going on. Now we feel it’s necessary. We want to re-root, re-find our balance and decide what’s next. Do we keep RVing the way we have up until now? Find a spot of land to create a home-base and part-time RV? Stay in the US or go abroad? Change things up entirely and do something completely different? At this point we really don’t know, but we do feel that something has to change.
For now my dear blog readers, things are not going to alter much except for our direction this winter. We’ll drive West, finish out the year and then decide. It’s all part of the progress of life, such as it is and we must be prepared to flow with it. More than that I do not know.
In the meantime it’ll be mom in our thoughts. Her life, her positive spirit and everything she so selflessly gave us out of love for the short time on earth we had with her. This week Paul is in Miami for the memorial service while I’m here in Maine with the paws, but mom is with us both in spirit, dancing to some Cuban salsa and traveling with us forever more in our hearts. It may be a while before we meet again, but I know we will. RIP Estela. You will be most deeply missed.
Such beautiful memories, and words commemorating what must have been a remarkable lady. My deepest sympathies.
She was a beautiful woman and I know she will be traveling with you. You and Paul sound like you loved her and made time in your life for her, I’m sure she loved you both so very much.
So sorry for your loss.
We are so very sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose parents. They are the anchor who has always been there from the moment of our birth. When they are gone, the world feels empty, and we feel like we have no place to turn for support. To Anchor, as you said.
I (Melinda) lost my sister in May. She was 16 years older than I am and my anchor. I know the lost feeling and the overwhelming grief at time. Thank goodness we have the memories to treasure.
Nina,
My thoughts are with you and Paul. What a wonderful woman she must have been, and I am so sorry you lost her. Expected, unexpected, sort-of expected — those things matter, and then they don’t. Losing your mother is unique, and I feel for both of you. What lovely memories you have.
I am so sorry for your loss, both of you. My heart goes out to you. Things like this do tend to make us rethink our life plans. I’m sure you guys will do what is best for you.
My heart melted for you guys when you told us the news last month, and this post simmers up those emotions again. You continue to be in our deepest thoughts as you travel through this transition in your lives. One that we can only walk on our own, as much as I wish I could envelop you both in my arms and make it better.
But I’m sending you lots of virtual hugs anyway.
Thank you for posting this loving tribute – it’s heartwarming to feel the connection you had, and will always have, with your soulmate’s mother. Your grief is a testament to the ties that bind. My condolences to both you and Paul.
Few of us have had the great gift of a wonderful mother-in-law! Prayers for you and yours.
You know nature is a wonderful healer–just let time supply the answers.
So sorry for your loss. Keep the memories close.
Yes death is sad yet happy for those going to a beautiful house in another realm.
Why not come up and across Canada, something totally different and beautiful .
Our vibes for the power to remember the great, relish the differences, and know she is with you always. Prayers for Paul, his extended family, and you.
You both have enough life experiences to know to go slow. Take it one day at a time… and you both will know the proper path when it shows itself to you.
Smitty
Oh, my heart goes out to Paul and to you, to lose both mothers so close together. Your description of “the phone call” and aftermath made me cry, it was exactly how I felt being in DC and getting the call my dad had died in California that morning. It does break the world into before and after. You survive, yes, but your heart is always a little broken.
When a parent passes, or anyone close really, it reminds that life is finite. It forces us to reevaluate, as you guys are doing now, and look in other directions, if not “corners,” for a more meaningful life. My seemingly healthy Dad died suddenly when I was only 25. In less than a year I quit my job, sold everything, and moved to Colorado to grieve and look for answers in the mountains where I saw him last.
It “forced my hand,” so to speak. I needed the changes that followed, just sad that it took a death to nudge me along.
The West is a good place to heal…fewer people and natural wonders right out your doorstep.
love and condolences,
mark
My condolences to you, Paul & your family.
Dear Nina and Paul,
So so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you both during this difficult time.
Hugs
Teju
So very sorry to both of you for the loss, it’s never easy! Hugs and positive thoughts to you both!
I follow your blog but rarely comment. I think you both are terrific,resilient persons. As one commentator said the West is a good place to heal. Cling to each other and to the memories. I am sorry for your loss.
My condolence to both of you and your family for the loss. Thanks for sharing the sad news.
Nina, I always wondered what you saw in Paul but after reading this post it all makes sense now……jk
I’m so sorry for your losses and reading of the love and support you two have been blessed with over the years brought tears to my eyes. It also explains the warm than kindness both of you have shown to so many others.
What a blessing to have this in your life plus a believe in better things in what I call the next adventure.
GOD BLESS both of you as you work your way through this.
Beautiful heart felt words. We are so sorry for your loss. Sending love and strength to you both from the Hintons
Theresa and I both lost our moms in the span of a few months. We are finishing our work commitment here in Wisconsin October 1st, then we are headed to Palm Springs for the winter to be near Theresa’s dad and my dad in northern calif. It’ll be all about family for the immediate future.So sorry for your loss
My condolences to you and Paul…. Get traveling soon and healing well occur. Thanks for your postings
I am so sorry for your loss of Paul’s mom and your mom. What beautiful words, Nina. Paul’s mom was a gorgeous woman.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of grief. You have great memories to carry you along. Although it is not an equal comparison necessarily, we lost Bogie, our canine traveling companion last month. Believe us, we know “grief “. Whether it’s a pet or a family member or friend, losing a mom is ALWAYS a different kind of loss. It’s deeper. Keep those thoughts and memories close. And crying is okay…real men cry. Safe travels as you head West.
I am truly sorry for your loss. She seemed like a wonderful person!
I lost my father in 1996 and was devastated. He was a hard World War II veteran and child of the depression. He told me before he passed to “keep moving forward and take care of your family”
Through my life I have tried to do just that.
It seems we never have those we love around as long as we would like, but are blessed to have had them in our lives for as long as we did! My prayers are with you and Paul.
Jim
Condolences to you both- yes, death has a way of making us reconsider our plans and priorities. Thank you for sharing- it makes me as a reader think about my journey too. Take time to grieve.
Sharon
My deepest condolences to you Nina, Paul, and the rest of the family. You’re in our thoughts.
Jill & Craig
So very sorry for your loss.
Perhaps they are not stars but openings in heaven where their light shines down to let us know they are ok.
Beautiful Nina, simply beautiful. So very happy for you to have had a special, loving relationship with your mother-in-law. Howard and I send our deepest sympathy to Paul and you. Hold your wonderful times with her in your hearts.
This is such a beautiful tribute to your mother in law. Take your time to find your way.
Beautiful tribute to a beautiful life! We’re grateful to still have our moms, Bills mom is 96 and my mom is 94. They say moms are the glue that keeps families together. We know our day is coming one day to lose them. It’s hard to imagine when they are not here because we know it is true, they are our glue to the rest of our family. Prayers for wisdom as you move forward.
Our condolences for your loss. My father passed away about 20 years ago. He was born in Ukraine. One Ukrainian tradition dad instilled upon us kids was to be sad for only for a few days and spend the remainder of your days enjoying all the good memories.
We hope that in the next few days all the good memories will too be with the both of you.
Best regards….
Roman and Kathy Cupryk. Mesa, AZ
I’m so sorry for your loss. She was an incredibly beautiful woman and you are so blessed to have such a loving family.
Your writings have inspired my husband and I to start the steps to FTing and I’m feeling your pain.
Please know we’re out here thinking of you and Paul and wish you safe travels.
So sorry for your loss.
Those Cubans can be unbelievable beautiful as was Estela! And from what you write, the beauty was not just skin deep. I am sorry for the pain you feel. I understand you are not unique in this respect, but still, it is not easy. I am 62 years old and have not yet lost my parents. It can’t be too far away.
Be well and blessings to both of you!
I completely understand how destabilizing such a loss can be. I feel for the both of you. I’m sorry.
I know that you guys need time to heal. Time alone. But I’d love to see the both of you out west if our paths do cross.
My own mom’s recent passing was a big motivator for my wife and me to retire early and hit the road full time. From the pain of loss comes the strength to change one’s course as we face how short life is. We gained inspiration and courage to sell everything, buy a Motorhome and see the continent, in large part due to the sage advice from Wheeling it, and Technomadia, and a few others like you who are brave enough to share your wisdom and travel adventures with us. No matter where your new journey takes you, just know you are loved and appreciated by all who’s lives you’ve touched like ours.
I am so so sorry, Nina. For you, for Paul. I completely understand that wrenching feeling of losing your anchor. Glad your are returning to the healing emptiness of the desert and your family out here as you two decide what comes next. Thanks so much for sharing so eloquently and giving each of us the chance to offer a virtual hug
A beautiful tribute. Our condolences on your loss.
Beautifully written Nina. Estela was a wonderful women and mom. Many memories with her and Paul growing up in Miami. Look forward to seeing my life-long best friend Paul tomorrow and celebrating Estela’s life.
I am so sorry. Give Paul a hug from us, and here is one for you.
Sorry for your loss!
Bereavement counselling taught my husband and I that one must heal before making any kind of drastic decisions. Take your time to heal before you make any choice that will drastically change your lives and possibly your futures. We feel your pain and understand your grief. We send our heart felt condolences and send a very big hug to you both.
Rick & Kathy Rousseau
It’s about time.
Paul and Nina,
Thoughts and prayers to all of the family…… what a lovely tribute to your Mother-in-Law……. she was such a beautiful woman……. the photos you included spread her sunshine and love……. Rest and relax as you both savor the wonderful memories you treasure……. Life is so short and that comes home at times like this…….. All the Best moving forward ! Sally Browning
Nina and Paul, I’m so sorry for the incredible loss. Your mom must have been a wonderful woman.
So very sorry, but I totally understand…dad turns 90 next year, mom 88, it will be their 70th anniversary. We KNOW that at this age, “the call” can come at any time…we hope it will be years away, yet they probably wish that it would come tomorrow so that their aches and pains will be no more.
I think you all should anchor on to a few lighthouses to work at…something you all love, and very big and strong like both your mothers were….
Beautifully written. Kindest personal regards to you both. If its any consolation this to shall pass, and by the sounds of her, she would not want you to stop doing what you love, rather, continue onwards and upwards with renewed vigor, life does go on, albeit differently than before.
H
Wishing you both a healing year. May it be a transformative year as well.
So sorry for your loss. A beautiful tribute, Nina. My mom was also on dialysis for almost 11 years. It robbed her of so many things. She passed away 1.7 years ago, at 82, but I know she is in a much better place.
Thinking of you both
Thank you for sharing those wonderful words at a difficult time. Please accept our condolences.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both, as well as other family and friends. When time comes to say our good byes to love ones, it takes a part of us with them. Hope you and Paul can re-root and decide what is best for your future.
Nina, Paul, and supportive quad-peds,
Blessings to you all. Your brave and vulnerable moment sharing your loss(es) with us, many of whom you have no faces to connect to –is so full of love even in a moment pockmarked with pain. We spent almost 2 years full timing based on your blog and cannot thank you enough for the way you share so openly. Your tribute gave people you don’t even know a smile and glimpse into a loving relationship. One of my favorite pertinent quotes is from the Inuits, ‘maybe they aren’t stars in the sky, but our loved ones shining down upon us.’ Wishing you all the space, time, and love necessary to heal.
The Walkers
So very sorry to read about this. It is never easy losing a parent and a little something inside of you dies along with them. You are in our thoughts.
So very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute to your mother in law.
Yes, she will always travel with you. 20+ years later and my Mom is still watching over me.
Safe travels,
So very sorry to hear about your mother-in-law! It is so hard to lose a parent. My dad passed away in April, and life changes so much in that very instant. Much prayer and many hugs to both of you!
May your hearts and souls find peace and comfort.
Sending heartfelt condolences to you both.
Estela was a beautiful woman, and from what you said she was a wonderful person too! May you and Paul remember the good times with Estela to help you through your sorrow and loss. My deepest condolences.
So sorry for Paul, his dad and you. A person is never prepared for the death of a loved one. Best wishes for your future plans. everyone needs time to process and heal.
What a beautiful Cubano woman. She died too young! … I grew upon amongst many Cubans in Tampa… Love of family is an understatement in that wonderful culture. Time to roast a pig, make some bolice, some frijoles negros, a sweet flan and a cup of Cuban coffee and have family celebrate a wonderful person, friend and mother!
Dear Nina and Paul
I am one of your silent followers. Reading this blog reminded me of losing my own Mom and how hard it was. There is no way to prepare for the loss even if you know it can happen anytime. It is wonderful to have many happy times to look back on and share together. Time of course helps the healing and reminds you of all the the Good things your mom did for you.
I send you my deepest sympathy. Thank you for this difficult to write blog. If you find yourself near Vancouver B.C call us and we will assist you any way we can.
So sorry for you both. Will have you in my thoughts and prayers.
Our sympathies to you both. Having lost 4 parents in 5 years, we know how it changed us and how all of a sudden our lives are changed. Life is short. Thank you for sharing your life with us through your website and videos.
Thank you for the beautiful post. Not knowing Paul’s mother, your words seemed to capture the essence of her being. My own mother’s declining health is what prompted us to move into the full time RV lifestyle. We followed a similar pattern as you have recently, traveling up and down the East coast so that we could travel through Virginia on a regular basis to spend time with her, and never too far away for a quick flight. She left us on January 20th. She was the last of our parents to pass on, and we too needed to make some changes. We came back to our fixed home in Denver, CO and have since sold that home and moved to Steamboat Springs, CO. We’re working to set up a lifestyle that will allow us to come and go as we please, renting our home out as a vacation rental when we’re not here. Our plans are to mix things up, possibly staying out in an RV for a few weeks, months or years at a time and spending some time abroad. I have been following your blog for a number of years now and you have given us much inspiration, as well as many ideas for our own RVing life. If you’ll be passing anywhere near Steamboat Springs on your way back out west, you’re welcome to stay with us (RV and paws included of course). Wishing you peace and comfort.
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful lady!! Losing a parent is a heart wrenching life moment. You two have gone through two losses in two years, thats a lot!! Take time to heal and cherish your memories of a life well lived!! Praying for peace, comfort and wisdom for the future!!
This is a beautiful, loving tribute, Nina. The photos of Paul and his mom are wonderful. What a gift that you were able to spend so much time together in recent years. May your memories bring peace to you and Paul. Our deepest sympathies to you both.
My deepest sympathies for Paul’s loss and yours as well.
We’ve never met you but we follow and value your journeys. We are sad that you are now on this inevitable journey of loss and wish you peace and solace.
Barry and Patti Daniel
An amazingly emotional blog entry. You’ve captured in words the essence of your experience, the longing heart & sadness…and a sense of relief. Every day is a lesson in life. You’ve done a great job conveying that here.
My deepest condolences for your loss.
What a lovely tribute to a wonderful person. You all have had a difficult couple of years, but you always find your way through with such grace, and you even find ways to help everyone who reads this blog. I expect your words impact people far more than you even realize. I am sorry for your loss and I wish you both the best as you find your way forward once again.
Nina and Paul, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. You both and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Wonderful tribute. She was gorgeous! Blessings.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. A loving tribute to a beautiful lady.
It comes like a thief in the night.
So very sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and strength in the days ahead.
Nina,
I’ve been reading and thoroughly enjoying your eloquent writings for over a year without commenting until today. It is with heavy heart as I read this this morning over coffee but as one that has lost parents truly feel your grief. I pray for both of you in this time of life’s transition and understand where you’re at.
As I sit here and ponder my own existence and purpose as you spoke of I want you two to know that your writings made me realize how short and living life is to be cherished and for that very reason we joined the world of rving this year. So thank you Nina, God bless and may the road be paved with great memories both past and future.
A lovely tribute to a beautiful woman who was taken much too soon. Big hugs to you both.
We are very sorry for your loss. Your tribute hits home in the fact I was so happy to have spent time with my mother the summer before she passed. Life is short, and thanks to both you and Paul through your blog we look so forward to exploring the U.S. on a semi-permanent basis very soon. Be well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
She was indeed a stunner, and I see so many of her features in Paul.
As we have discussed before, nothing rocks our world like the loss of a parent. I am so sorry you are both having to go through this. Wishing you both lots of ease and grace, trusting the love you have for each other will be the navigational beacon you need to chart the next course.
xoxox
So sorry to hear of your loss, always a tough time
A sudden death is always so hard to process emotionally. It doesn’t matter that it has happened to others… This happened to you personally. You’re tribute was so warm and loving, how nice to have been a part of a family like that. I took care of both my mother and father before they died in bed and in pain so as much as I miss them it was a relief for them to be released from suffering. It is wonderful that Estela had such a fun last day. Much harder on you and much easier on her. Thinking of you as you find your way. Very brave of you to share.
It is not easy to loose our loved ones and leaves a hole in our hearts and minds. Time to think and regroup is a good way to grieve and heal. Glad you have each other. Big hugs!
So very sorry to hear of the passing of Paul’s mom. You are right, she was so very beautiful – even as she aged. So glad you both were there for so long not too long ago and were able to spend time with your family. Losing one unexpectedly is incredibly hard. Especially a parent. I lost my mom to a stroke and after moving my dad in with me, he passed 8 months later. Probably of a broken heart. So very tough to lose a parent, no matter what your age is.
Thinking of you both.
Take care of yourself and each other as you walk this sad road. Try to remember to good and be grateful for the time you had.
I hope you can both find some peace and answers when you travel back west.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is hard losing a parent. I’m glad you and Paul were able to spend time with her and make good memories.
Sorry to hear about Paul’s Mom. We understand completely everything you said. My husband Ray’s mom passed away the exact same day, July 23 this summer. Like you, we changed our spring/summer plans as her health declined after having an unexpected stroke May 7th. She was 93 and had been completely independant up until that time. Even though you expect the outcome it is still very surprising and somewhat unbelievable when it finally happened. Lots of paperwork, moving stuff out of her apartment into long-term care and then out of long-term care only a month later. We are now a month since her passing and still having trouble coming to grips with it. Our thoughts are with you.
Nina, I’m very sorry for both you and Paul. How lucky she was to have such a loving daughter-in-law! It is true that we all have to go through the grief of losing our parents, but you two have had a double wopper the last couple of years and I can imagine it feels very destabilizing. Please remember one thing: it is never a good idea to make big life decisions when one (or two) is grieving. Give it time because your feelings will change over the next few months. My step-dad passed away in July (the last of our parents) and I printed this on his memorial booklet – I don’t know where it came from but it is so true: “Grief never ends but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.” God bless you both.
Our thoughts are with you and Paul:) Love to you both:)
From your beautiful writing, it seems that there was a great deal of love in your relationship – what a wonderful gift. My condolences to you both in this difficult time.
So very sorry for your deep loss.
So sorry for your loss Paul and Nina. Your tribute was beautiful, moving and deeply reflective… giving us an opportunity to think about how such big changes in our lives can abruptly change it. Sending you healing hugs and thoughts as you navigate this next phase in your life.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, may God comfort and bring you peace. Healing Hugs
A beautiful tribute Nina. My heart goes out to you and Paul as you hold her memory close while moving through your grief.
Lovely post. Blessings and best wishes to both of you
Such a beautiful tribute to your Mother-In-Law.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Rich and I lost our Mom’s and Dad’s and siblings, too, so I know the pain. It’s the natural way of things for parents to go before their children, but the pain is still excruciating. Cling to one another. Nurture yourselves–you do need to grieve.
When Rich died suddenly and unexpectedly, before his time, I felt as though someone picked me up, turned me over, and emptied me out. I’ve never been able to fill myself up, again, but the world kept spinning , and the sun has risen and set every day–without my soul mate.
You and Paul will get through this together. You are in my thoughts.
Here was redditor GSnow’s moving advice:
Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
Such a beautiful tribute to a beautiful lady. She will always be with you and Paul. Sorry for your loss.
What a beautiful tribute to Nina, we would have loved to have met her.
Our hearts go out to you and Paul.
Your idea of heading west is good one as you know there’s nothing quite like time spent in the open desert to inspire and clarify life.
As the old saying goes; words are simply inadequate to describe the void left behind after the death of a beloved mum or dad. I have empathy for you. It happened to me in 2012 with my dear old mum and I am still coming to terms with it. It’s left an dull ache which will never heal…
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It was the passing of my father 3 years ago that caused me to desire a life change and that is how I got into full-time RV’ing. Every loss is personal and how we deal with it is personal, as well. I wish you all the best as you heal.
What a beautiful tribute to your mother-in-law. My deepest sympathies and understanding go out to you and Paul! My husband and I have both lost our fathers, but neither of us has had to go through the loss of our mothers yet. I dread these days ahead. As you say, this is a universal experience, and a difficult, life-changing one. Sending love, hugs, and warm wishes that you both find your anchor again in time.
What a beautiful tribute to your mother-in-law. My deepest sympathies and understanding go out to you and Paul! My husband and I have both lost our fathers, but neither of us has had to go through the loss of our mothers yet. I dread that more than anything in this life. As you say, this is a universal experience, and a difficult, life-changing one. Sending love, hugs, and warm wishes that you both find your anchor again in time.
This was a touching tribute. My heart hurt when I saw your news last month and reading this broke it again. It doesn’t help that August 27th (your publish date) was also my dad’s birthday and yesterday would have been a significant year for him. I spent the day on the phone with family. I felt the depth of sorrow and change reading this today and wish you both the best. Hopefully, we’ll see you again when you get back out west.
So sorry for your loss, for both of you. It will take time to heal, wishing you both well.
Janet bickham
So sorry for your loss , what a beautiful tribute to a great lady . I lost my wife of 47 years on 7-24-17 . Life now is taken one day at a time . I had just retired eleven months earlier and we had bought a motorhome to travel in to have some of the adventures you write about . I hope you two keep traveling .
You did well with this post, Nina. Beautifully written and from the heart. My condolences to you and Paul.
Sue
Nina and Paul, a big bear hug to the both of you from Colorado. I know these feeling and I relive them as I read. Fair Winds to Estela….fair winds…..
Roger
Thank you so much for sharing. Take care. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Nina and Paul,
My condolences and thoughts are with you with the passing of Paul’s Mom. Your writing captured the love you obviously felt for such a beautiful person in your lives. It reminded me of saying good-bye to my own mother a couple of years ago. Some tears fell that needed to be released.
I also want to thank you for all that you share. We have learned from you and your wonderful writing has helped make our RV experience so much better.
My best to you both
Bruce Hall
Camano Island, WA
I’m so sorry to hear the sad news. I know the feeling having lost my brother suddenly and unexpectedly (at 43) and my mother exactly 5 years and one day later after a year long bout with cancer. No matter if it happens suddenly or there’s a slow deterioration of the body, the shock and pain coming rushing in just the same. It’s hard to prepare yourself for a loss and even harder to stumble through it. My heart goes out to you and Paul. Sending peace your way and hoping the happy memories will help sustain you both during the difficult road ahead. {Hugs}
I share Paul’s pain and your’s for I know these feelings. My brother had the same issue as Estela but got a lease on life thanks to my younger sisters kidney. He outlived the 10 year marked living on to seven more years until the kidney failed him. Then my mom followed him 10 days later. Our mom’s are all in heaven in a better place. Sending you comfort and peace at these difficult times.
This is a wonderful tribute to a lovely person and I just noticed that both your mom passed away on the same month and date Jul 23, what a coincidence.
You have my condolences as well I wish you both all the best.
I am a rather new reader just sort of thinking threw a jump into the RV life style and have found your information some of the best of what I have found so far. If you guys decide, to set it aside It will be dearly missed. I hope things go much better for you whatever direction you take.
Bev and I know what you are going thru. We lost my parents over the last few years (in fact today is the 5th anniversary of my father’s passing). Bev’s mom is not destined to be with us much longer either. So sad.
But life goes on. We have elected to sell the rig (in 15 months) and move into our newly purchased home in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Life can contains dreams of the future even after experiencing a death so close.
It gets better.
— jc&bev
So sorry for your loss. It’s hard to lose our parents. Not only are they the glue that holds the family together, but are also the tether to our past.
My own mom was diagnosed with cancer while we were in Nova Scotia two years ago. It would of been hard to have been any farther away from Wyoming in an RV. Our plans changed as well.
She passed quietly this July as well, not quite making it to 95. I got to see her a couple of weeks before she died, for which I’m thankful.
The point of this is that it is something we all go through but each is a unique circumstance at the same time. You guys are not alone.
All the best in you future endeavors.
Wow. What a moving, heartfelt deeply personal post. And, as always, so well written. I have lived through the death of both of my parents, and I concur that there just isn’t any way to prepare, and it is an “unmooring”, but Life goes on, albeit changed forever in some important way. I have benefited greatly from all the detailed, carefully crafted pieces you have written in this blog about your lives in your “Beast” but haven’t commented until now. The first post of yours that I read, until this one your most popular, was the “10 Things I Wish I Knew” post, which I read online after I had the crazy idea that my wife and I would get a motorhome and travel around with the Munchkins – our two dogs. I’m not sure we would have moved forward but for your positive, realistic outlook expressed in that post. We now own a 37′ (shorter is better!) Beaver Monterey diesel pusher and we are planning (maybe a bit too late) a trip to Florida this Winter. In the meantime, we are heading to Sampson State Park in the Finger Lakes region of NY, confident that we will enjoy the accommodations thanks to your video review. Thank you for all that you have given of yourselves, and all the experiences and knowledge that you have shared, during your motorhome adventure. All the best wherever life leads you next, and my condolences on your loss. Paul’s mom sounds like a wonderful human being!
I am so deeply sorry to hear this news, what a beautiful tribute. I lost my father a little over two months ago, he was in failing health but nothing can ever prepare you for the heart aching feelings of losing a parent. So glad you were able to alter your travel plans and spend that valuable time with her and have such wonderful memories. I hope you can feel this big virtual hug from me and all your readers. Take as much time as you need and I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
Tina
Northern CA
My heart goes out to you both and I feel your loss. I’m so very sorry you lost such an incredible person in your life. I can relate, losing my father, him at a young age, and very abruptly as well. Your statement, we lost our anchor was the same in our family. He was the glue. It’s been 23 years since we lost him and we often ask, “what if” he was still part of us. My children remember him as children with great love but he left us too soon. I know without a doubt he would have made a big impact in their life if he was still with us. It sounds like you had a great life with her. Celebrate that, take the time to reflect in the gorgeous sunsets of the west. I hope someday we meet. You guys are our ‘bible’ as we transition to full time next year, starting in the West. Safe travels and hugs from CO.
A beautiful and heartfelt tribute to Paul’s mother. Blessings to you at this difficult time, and a safe journey as you head west to heal.
What an incredible, beautiful tribute. Our moms have been gone for 16 & 17 years now, yet I “see” them in our lives every day. I’m so sorry for your loss, and totally understand the “adrift” feeling you express. Time for the two of you to grieve & have a reset should be invaluable for you both. My condolences…
As many have said here, you are not alone. Losing parents really puts a hole in your heart. It does heal over time, but never mends exactly as before. Your words are very special and convey the love you all shared. I am thankful you had so many memories to share and time to grow together as a family. I was barely married 3 years then lost my mother to cancer and her parents (my grandparents) all in the same year when I was just 26. I still wish for them often. Allow yourself to heal and share the memories of good times. Support each other.
Wow! Our deepest sympathies. Your post is testimony to the love you have for Paul’s Mom. Take good care on your journey west.
Mike and Sarah
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Estela was a gorgeous woman, she looked like Elizabeth Taylor as a young woman, but prettier. I’m sorry she passed, and I know how you feel. My mom had dementia for years and her passing was such a blessing for her, and for her family. No more worries, just a feeling of loss.
You guys take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
So sorry for the loss of a beloved parent. Even though it’s such a normal passage in our lives, it is still a wrench. Your article about her is wonderful, and, yes, she certainly was a stunner.
When I read your post, it took my breath away as it took me back to the moment I lost my own Mother in the fall of 2012. My heart goes out to you! Shortly after losing my Mother, I ran across the following verse, and I hope it brings the same comfort to you as it continues to bring to me.
“I am my Mother’s garden.
Her loving legacy.
And time can’t touch the many gifts she gave –
They live in me.”
Ellen Brenneman
Peace and love to you.
so sorry to hear about paul’s beautiful mom’s death…..your writing about it was sweet, old & recent pictures wonderful.
i dont see how anyone could be impatient with you in replying, writing – whatever you are asking patience for. you share your life freely & for free. thank you, nina.
Sorry to hear that your mother in law died. Word Press won’t allow me to post at home again even if both virus software programs pick up nothing. So I went to the library on Friday only to find it closed for 4 days.
Sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing. It is clear your loss is deep. We share a similar loss with my Dad. Nothing I or anyone can say anything to help. Only time will ease the pain. Eventually the loss is gradually replaced with wonderful memories. May the spirit of Estela watch over the both of you and the paws.
I am deeply sorry Nina and Paul. My Mother went to Jesus 2.5 yrs. ago.
So very beautifully written. You and Paul were very fortunate to have such a lovely woman in your lives, and that she loved you as a daughter is very special. Our condolences at your loss.
With so much grace and compassion you share these deepest of emotions and it fills me with peace. We’ve been traveling in Oregon and are just now finding the quality time to virtually connect and send our condolences to you both. May your continued travels with dear ones now and in solitude once you head to the open spaces out west fill you with love and serenity.
Mucho cariño –
Imkelina and Michael
❤