Ah Yes, Life Goes On (And Mini Plans…)
Pre-Post Note: Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post about Taggart’s passing for your thoughtful, loving, supportive thoughts. I read each and every comment multiple times, cried through many them and kept them all close to my heart. Many of you shared your own losses which touched me deeply too. It means so much to share these things and know that we are not alone.
It’s only been a few weeks since Taggart became an angel, so admittedly she is still very much on our minds. The house doesn’t feel the same without her, and I see her in all the places that she used to be, a fleeting angel yet so very real in my mind. It’s surreal how that works, after someone you love dies.
Ah Yes, Life Goes On
Surprisingly life goes on. At least that’s always been the surprising bit to me.
We’ve experienced death of people close to us multiple times in the past few years; my mom, Paul’s mom, and now Taggart. With every passing it feel likes life should stop, like a part of us should die right there too. And yet the next morning the sun still rises, people go about their business and everything moves on while you still feel stuck in that moment when it ended. It makes no sense, yet that’s how it works.
This time of year that whole experience is particularly poignant as Spring is in the air. It’s early this year, much too early thanks to an overly warm winter, but for us it seems to have come at the perfect time. Spring is the ultimate expression of life after death. And I can’t deny that hits particularly deep right now.
The day after Taggart passed I noticed the first daffodils pop up. A flash of neon yellow against the dark browns of winter, the first color we’d seen in months. Then crocus sprung out, deep and rich purple like teeny gems in the ground. This was followed by the almond trees that exploded in a blanket of brilliant white and the first green buds all over the garden. It’s nature’s process, the miracle of life from death, and it never ceases to amaze me.
Seeing all that beauty, really does bring joy.
But Rand Is Hurting
Taggart’s passing has been hard for us humans, but it’s been especially tough for her sister, Rand. The two of them were inseparable for 18 years, a lifetime spent together, sleeping and grooming , the strength and brashness of Taggart always the Yang to the timidness and shyness of Rand.
Now that her sister is gone, Rand is lost.
The first few nights after Taggart’s passing Rand howled with a heartbroken cry practically all through the night. And for 5 days after her sister’s death she refused to leave the bathroom where Taggart had last laid beside her. We had to resort to sitting in there on the tile floor, finger-feeding her (the only way she would eat) and petting her constantly to soothe her anxiety.
I tell you folks. Anyone who says pets don’t experience grief, just have never seen it for themselves.
Of course we took Rand for a vet check-up, just in case. She has kidney disease just like her sister (we knew this), but it’s still in a somewhat manageable stage and hasn’t advanced too much since her last check-up. We’ve made a few modifications to her diet & meds/supplements, but really the focus has been on her mental state. We’ve been spending much more time with her, calming her, taking her outside for walks, talking to her, encouraging her, giving her flower remedies (I’ve been using Bach’s Star of Bethlehem, which is supposed to work particularly well on grief) and generally just trying to help her out of her grief.
Slowly, but surely all of it is working.
She slept through the night for the first time two night ago (thank the cat gods!!), and has finally started to venture beyond the bathroom. Even for her, life eventually goes on.
We’re Finally Planning Again (Tentatively)
These past few months have been super intense, I’m not going to lie.
We’ve been caring for Taggart, and have not really been able to plan or imagine anything beyond that. As usual, focusing entirely on the paws….
But now it seems the Universe has given us a little break. I’ve no idea how long it’s going to last (there’s never any guarantee), but while we have it we’re going to take advantage of it.
Which means LMB is out and getting prepped for travel!
We’ll be loading her up over the next week and then, paws & fingers crossed, her wheels are gonna roll slowly but surely towards Spain. No plans, no reservations, and no real itinerary other than heading South towards the beach and the healing ocean. We’ll see how Rand does alone in the RV, we’ll see how we do and we’ll basically just play it by ear…..
And Taggart Is Coming With Us
We got our girl back a few days ago, in a pretty little copper urn.
We’ve placed her next to a little remembrance that we’ve set-up for her, a Buddhist tradition that we’ve adopted to help our girl move on to her next life. Every day we light a candle here for her, and make our wishes, an act we’ll continue for around 40 days or so. It’s our way to honor her life, and also an aide to help us say goodbye.
When we go away in a week or so the remembrance will stay with dad, and the urn will come with us. That way we’ll both have a little piece of Taggart with us.
So that’s our update….chugging along, taking baby steps, and heading to Spain (fingers and paws crossed). Hope to see you there next….
A smile from our direction, as your sadness adjusts to the rewards of fond memories of Taggart. And to new travels for you all of you, Taggart included… That zest for living you two have continues, and many thanks for letting us all follow along…
Travel Safe,
Smitty, Deb & Poppin’s
Thank you so much Smitty for that beautiful thought.
Nina
When we suddenly lost our 2 year old Yorkie, Milo, Cadbury the cat was grief stricken for weeks. He and Milo were a tag team with the vermin, mice and moles, they would bring in the house and he began toting their joint toys around to all of their resting places and drop them hoping that Milo would appear.
When we moved into the MoHo Cadbury was the cat who came with us along with Phoenix, our Springer. But 2 years later we had to put Phoenix down (she was almost 15, blind, deaf and had a brain tumor) I took Cadbury to the vet, too. He seemed to know what was happening and after Phoenix was dead, he licked her for a while and then nuzzled her lying down to curl up with her. He slept on her bed for the next several weeks but I honestly felt that being with her made some difference.
Hearing today of Nikki and Jason’s loss of Cleo and having to part with Singa has me crying again and hoping Rand can find her peace. Hugs to Polly, too, who I’m sure is also grieving.
And here’s to spring. When my father in law died in May 2017 the day off his funeral a swath of irises, blue and yellow burst into bloom at the edge of their pond. They had been my late mother in law’s favorite spring flower and we were sure she was making sure they were both there.
What a powerful story. Your idea of bringing Cadbury with you to Phoenix’s passing makes so much sense. He clearly understood, as it happened.
I took Taggart around to say goodbye to both Rand and Polly right after we had sedated her (to take her to the vet). Polly seemed to understand and nudged her nose to Taggart, but Rand didn’t really want to see her. The difference in their grieving has been significant, and I think it’s in part because Polly accepted it and understood it at the time, whereas Rand didn’t.
Oh and those flowers after your father-in-Law passed…I can just see them. I believe in signs like that. What a beautiful remembrance.
Nina
Sorry to hear of your loss. I’m not faithfully following blogs lately, not even spending time with my own. Today is double sad for me however, as I just read Gone with the Wynn’s have lost one of their family members too. Praying your heart mends soon.
A sad day indeed. I just saw their video too.
Nina
I know how hard it is to lose a fur baby. Our Pookie Bear has been gone a long time but I still catch a glimpse of her sitting at the top of the stairs watching me in the kitchen. She was almost 19 when she passed. All I can say is it does get easier as time goes by, but the missing her doesn’t.
Wow 19 years…such a long and wonderful life with you. I do believe Pookie Bear is still with you in spirit, and that you’ll see her again one day.
Nina
Life, indeed, goes on. I’m glad you’re taking Taggart with you as you go on. It will comfort you. We carry everyone along with us also. I know it’s stupid, but I just can’t leave home without them all. It brings me comfort even after all these years.
I think we’ll be doing the same for a long, long time. Maybe we’ll find a spot to scatter Taggart’s ashes one day, but for now she’s coming with us. I need my girl by my side.
Nina
Gee, for a person suffering with dry eye’s your comments and feelings sure make that go away…We lost our golden retriever on the 1st of August last year and we find your ability to verbalize your loss profound. We feel your pain and your love for life and your fur babies. Those that have no concept of the capacity that a animal has for what goes on around it and the bonding they do, has never met a cat who loved his sister Cassie Jo the golden retriever and now has gone away…Thank you for sharing your thoughts and curing our dry eyes that have been pretty wet since last August…
I’m so sorry for your loss, for Cassie Jo. I can’t even imagine the day that Polly needs to go (hurts my heart just to think about it). Healing thoughts to you.
Nina
Life indeed goes on albeit painfully at first. I’ve lost many a kitty over the years and have always grieved for weeks. My first ‘real ‘ was Papillion ( from the French movie) I’m sure you know. She was all white with blue eyes and not deaf as many white cats with blue eyes are. She was my first child so to speak. I was a junior in college. She lived to be 21 years. I do regret not having her cremated but I guess in 1995 I didnt think about that. I still miss her.
White with blue eyes! I can see her in my mind. She must have been a stunner. And to live to 21…what a fine life. You’ll carry her with you always.
Nina
Ahhhh–life does go on–but it’s so hard on those left behind. Tears were rolling when I read about poor Rand missing her buddy. I hope all goes well with your next trip!
It certainly is hard for those left behind. For the person or animal that passes I do believe they go to a better place…a peaceful and loving place. It helps to think about that, but it’s still hard!
Nina
Aww, I hope Rand continues to feel better. I relate to your putting life on hold, Angel’s last five months we couldn’t leave her – Hector traveled to two weddings alone. We had the vet come to the house to put her to sleep because we knew it would be easier on her. I didn’t realize how much harder it would be for me – every time I walked through our front courtyard my heart stung. I never wrote about this but wish I had, your post was so touching. Life goes on but we always remember. We have a little bit of each of our four fur babies with us in Mexico. How did your dad take it?
I think of your Angel often. I remember when she met Taggart in our RV! It was so cute. I’m so glad we got to know her with you on your travels. Such a gorgeous doggie with such a big personality!! I can only imagine how hard those last months were and how heartbreaking it was to lose her. You did right by her though, and she knows it. That kind of good Karma travels with you.
Dad has grieved a lot for Taggart. I think he’s been hit really hard. This is the first cat that’s ever really gotten to him. He lights the candle for her every morning when he gets up, and we light one in the evening. I think it helps us both.
Nina
Another beautiful post and tribute to Taggart. Poor Rand! Animals do indeed grieve for each other, absolutely. Love that you are still enjoying the signs of spring rebirth around you and tentatively planning some travels. I suspect those will be very healing.
I have to admit I didn’t expect the grief to be so express so strongly in Rand. I certainly expected her to grieve, but this has been beyond intense. We’re thankful that we can finally get some sleep again!
Nina
I had tears for Taggert, but now for Rand. I’m happy she’s doing better. You all are such good parents.
Thank you for the lovely comment Lonna. Nina
You are a wonderful writer Nina. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts. Sending you a big hug and thinking of you all in this tender time.
Thank you so much Hector. Nina
Oh Rand..her heart is broken as yours is. When our Gus passéd all the family members were together sitting with him next to his bed. Bentley, his buddy.. a puppy he raised and Sucia, his kitty that he also raised, snuggled and watched over.
His passing was peaceful…he was ready to go and honestly I think he had already said his goodbyes. He left behind 4 broken hearts but his cancer had the last say. Funny, but his essence was just gone. Sounds weird but I know this I wasn’t his first time around and as sad as we all were, we knew he needed to move on and be out of pain.
When our Boxer Bob died…it was unexpected and it broke our hearts in two. I cried for weeks and he stayed with me. I found him watching me from his seat in the back of our SUV …more than once. Neither he nor I was ready for his passing it seemed. I still tear up thinking about him but he too has moved on…certainly wasn’t his first rodeo either.
I guess time heals but boy, is it hard. Your Taggert will hopefully move on peacefully as your grief subsides. Don’t you wonder if they grieve for us and their companions on the other side?
Oh geez, what powerful stories. I’m heart-broken just to hear about it. I totally understand what you mean about your boy’s “essence” being gone. That’s what I felt about Taggart the last day. It was like she had decided this was it. It was time to go. As hard as it was to say goodbye, it did make it somewhat easier that we had such a clear sign from her.
But your unexpected loss of Bob…gosh that’s hard. In some ways I think that’s harder. It reminds me of my mom….a sudden, unexpected passing. It still feels “odd”, like it didn’t happened. And yet I know it has. It took me years to accept it completely.
As for what happens on the “other side”, for those that pass. That’s a really good question. I don’t think there’s grief, at least not the way we feel it. I think it’s just love. A deep, and complete sense of all-encompassing love. At least that’s my completely unscientific, nothing-I-can-prove theory. I like to think it’s true though.
Hugs to you.
Nina
Life does go on and that means so does Taggart in a way. Your post painted a picture of an epic cat that touched so many lives, even if only indirectly through the joy she gave you. All the best to you and Rand as you each grieve her sister.
Thank you Dan…and you’re very right. As we allow ourselves to move on, so does Taggart.
Nina
My heart broke as I read of Taggart’s passing. I too, have always had the same question…”how can life go o- when my world has collapsed”. Taggart is will always be with you- her spirit lives on. You and Paul are great cat parents…my kind of people. May you be blessed on your continued journey in life..with Taggart traveling in your hearts.
I am so very sorry for your pain. I pray that Rand slowly comes around as she processes her grief as well.
Thank you Nannette, and thank you for your thoughts for Rand too. She is recovering from her grief slowly, but surely. But wow, it’s been hard. I had no idea it would be this intense.
Nina
I am so sorry to learn of Taggert’s passing. I first started reading your posts on the old FLUTD yahoo group and they were so useful in helping figure out how to handle my now 16 year old boy’s FLUTD. I’m not an RV’er, but have always enjoyed your writings. My other kitty now has kidney disease, and at times I wished your knowledge of this disease was more public, but my girl is doing pretty well for 16 and 1/2 years old.
I wanted to let you know that the Feliway classic phermone diffuser is very helpful for cats experiencing grief. I hope this speeds Taggert’s recovery. Sadly I know of nothing to help our own grief.
Wow Beth….since my old FLUTD group days! Gosh, you’ve been reading a long time 🙂 Rand was the cat that caused me to take over that group, all those many years ago. She still gets herself overly stressed, but I do have more coping mechanisms for it now and (paws crossed) she hasn’t had any idiopathic cystitis flare-ups since then. Feliway is an excellent recommendation, and it is part of the “package” of stuff that we still use for her.
I’m so sorry to hear your boy has kidney disease though. Ugh, it’s tough. If you haven’t found it already I highly recommend Tanya’s CKD site (https://felinecrf.org/index.htm) and the IO Group support page that is attached to it (https://tanyackd.groups.io/g/support). Both have been invaluable for me. Taggart would not have made it as far as she did without them.
Nina
A beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. My tears of sorrow are kind of wacky, surely Taggart was NOT my cat, but I guess it is because my Buddy who is now 18ish, is on the downward side too. I have no idea how long we will have him with us, but it is a joy to make his life comfortable. Spain sounds lovely!!
Awwww….your Buddy is 18 years old. That’s a fabulous age. I know it’s tough to see them decline, but it’s just a different stage of their lives. They slow down, they change, but they still enjoy life. I hope he has many, many more years with you.
Nina
Hi Nina & Paul,
I just read this post and wanted to send my love to you and to your paw family. It is hard to hear about Rand and his grieving for his sister. Healing thoughts to you all.
Thanks Gina. We’ve been surprised how hard it’s been on Rand too (I really had never seen anything like that before), but we’re getting there.
Nina
May Taggart rest in peace! Losing your loved one is hard and especially the one who showers you with her unconditional love. As a person who has cried continuously for two weeks after losing my little terrier I can imagine the pain you are going through. It will be even harder for the little Rand. Give her loads of love and as always travel more and more.
Oh I’m SO sorry for your loss. It’s crazy how our pets lock themselves into our hearts. I’ve cried like a baby for Taggart, and still feel sad almost daily. My heart goes out to you and your little terrier.
Nina