The Mental Games We Play
Confinement week 6….I’ve stopped counting the days and started tracking the whole thing in larger increments. It’s a small change, but it seems to make it easier to handle in the ‘ol noggin.
Of course, we’re chugging along doing our usual day-to-day; working, cooking, taking lessons online, doing zoom get-togethers and other such things to keep physically active and sane. It’s what everyone is doing these days so it’s nothing special, but it has felt different this week, at least for me.
I have to admit this whole lock-down situation has been harder than I imagined mentally. I don’t know if it’s my natural wanderlust, or the fact that I’ve always been prone to depression (sadly, a weight I’ve carried my whole life), but being confined has been draining both emotionally, and physically. And I know I’m not the only who’s been thinking this way. Last week two separate friends told me they’ve been feeling weepy for no reason at all, and yet another expressed how very weary she was, physically and mentally.
I think these are all normal feelings right now.
Apart from the select few, humans are not well-made for solitude and internment. There are well-researched psychological effects that happen when folks are isolated, and they can range from anxiety to paranoia and (even) the inability to form coherent thoughts. It affects your waking day, but it can also affect your sleep, causing you to panic for no reason when you finally lay down your head to rest at night (I get that one). It’s the real side of the whole “going stir crazy” thing.
So, why am I writing about this??
Admittedly I don’t always know where a blog post will go once I start it, so there’s that. But more importantly I guess it’s just what’s on my mind this week. Sharing thoughts like this, as painful as they are, can be cathartic not only for the person writing, but also for those reading. Knowing you’re not alone in feeling how you are, can sometimes make all the difference in the world. It’s not just a question of being in this together (we all are), it’s the very specific thing of knowing you’re not going singularly nuts.
I think some of you can relate….
So We Play Games
So yeah, we’ve been playing tricks on ourselves recently, to keep it all sane.
The mind is a both a wondrous and frustrating thing. It can solve complex problems, create infinite happiness and lead us to explore the world. And yet it can also plunge us into dark, destructive and repetitive thoughts. The two are not mutually exclusive either. It can happen in the same mind, just in different times and different environments, especially if you are prone to such things.
We are in one of the latter phases here at HQ, which means my brain can easily get the better of me unless I work to derail it. So, I play games & tricks on my mind, both mentally & IRL (“in real life”). For the most part it works, but on some days it does take exceptional work.
As Aeschylus, the father of all Greek tragedy so famously said, sometime around ~460BC “Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times”. Of course, this was the same guy who also said “wisdom comes through suffering”, so I don’t think he was the happy-go-lucky type all-in-all, but he did have a point. The mind can be trained to be positive just like any muscle in the body, by thinking positive thoughts over and over. It’s the practice of affirmations, and it’s an ago-old brain trick that can be incredibly powerful. If you’ve never tried it, I highly recommend giving it a go.
But I also think there’s more to it than that.
The brain and body are a fine equilibrium of chemicals & hormones, any one of which can throw us through a loop if they go out of whack. There are physical ways to manage these (e.g. the endorphins released after exercise are one of the easiest, and most reliable “happy” chemicals), medical ways (e.g. prescription drugs, some people simply can’t function without), food ways (e.g. foods that improve our well-being), and of course just plain ‘ol distraction, which can really effective when all else fails.
I’ve been working mostly on that last bit, this past week.
We Plan To Distract
Every night, I try to plan my next day right before I fall asleep. I’ll take myself visually through the day, imagining what I’ll do and when. It’s a little mental trick I do to give myself a sense of purpose in our otherwise “groundhog-day like” existence, and the structure helps to keep me on track.
I might plan a bit of social & news media in the morning (not too much mind you), some work in the afternoon (always a given), some cooking, some checking-in (with friends/family) a bit of exercise, and then something for the evening. I try to stick to the routine pretty strictly, but I’ll also try to throw something “new” in there so I have something to challenge myself and look forward to. Both aspects (routine & newness) seem to be key for my sanity, and I find myself slipping if I miss on either one or the other.
So, for example tonight we made a fish curry with a brand new recipe that we’ve never tried before (it was delish). And for my exercise, I’ve recently started following a 30-day Pilates challenge on YouTube with a lovely English lady who’s quarantined down in Dubai. It’s another thing I look forward to (or dread, depending on how I’m feeling), but it really does help to keep me feel better once I do it.
Paul is doing much the same. In fact he’s way better than me in all this, and is incredibly well-disciplined in his day-to-day. He works every morning without fail, then he breaks up his afternoon between French (he practices daily, plus he takes 1-1 weekly online lessons), guitar (he follows a guy on YouTube and recently started taking online 1-1 lessons with an Argentinian guy who happens to be quarantined up in Toulouse), and exercise (he uses the DownDog Yoga App, which is FREE at the moment, for 30 mins every afternoon).
Plus of course Polly keeps us ALL sane and on-track. If we happen to miss doggie feeding time by more than 10 minutes she’ll stand and stare at us until we get the message. I don’t know how she manages to know what time it is, but she could rival the Atomic Clock for accuracy. And of course the way she stares is both intensely despondent and terribly unnerving. You don’t know what you’ve wrong, but you feel bad…..very, very bad.
And Tomorrow It All Starts Over Again….
So those are my thoughts for the week. This was a bit of a heavy one today, I do realize that, but it was what was on my mind and maybe (just maybe) it struck a cord or helped one or two of you realize that you’re not alone. We all get our ups and downs, and this quarantine, or “shelter in place” thing, whatever you prefer to call it, certainly brings out all of those emotions.
In any case, tomorrow is a whole new day, and anything (well, not quite anything….maybe just a few specific things) could happen. Either way, I’d better get started with my planning for that.
Have you felt more emotional during this time? How are you all coping? If you feel like you want to share, I’m here to listen so do feel free to talk about it in the comments below.
Another beautiful post. I’m a solo RVer “stuck” in Tucson and it’s nearing 100 degrees. Being inside all the time is a challenge. I’m heading up to Show Low (elevation around 6200 ft) and cooler weather tomorrow. At least I’ll be able to get outside. As I sit here writing this comment, I just got a weather alert on my phone for an “excessive heat watch” until April 30. I’ll be up at dawn and driving north as quickly as I can! I am much more weepy than normal these days. I feel so badly for those impacted economically, the health care workers and of course, those who have most their lives.
I love the idea you have of making a plan the night before for you day. It would give me a bit of control over this situation.
Thanks for another beautifully written and photographed blog post.
Rochelle
Oh geez, I feel for you. I always felt the most “confined” in the RV when it was hot. Cold weather didn’t really affect me as much, as we could still walk outside (and make it cozy inside), but the heat forced us inside the rig with the A/C running constantly & no possibility to walk/hike outside….ugh! SO glad you’re taking yourself to higher elevation. Hope that brings you the relief you need, both in temp & that all-important feeling of freedom.
Nina
Once upon a time, when I was working for a living, and on afternoons, I didn’t mind my “solitude” although, there were some times towards the end of that stint when I did have some bouts of depression. The term “weepy” comes to mind. Then we moved to Puerto Rico for about a year and a half and all the sunshine seemed to help out considerably. I do understand how looking over the abyss into depression can start to become more of a “pull” rather than just a thought. Things will change. Thankfully we do have the internet. From out present point in time, I cannot imagine how it would have be to “self isolate” during the Spanish Flu Pandemic, for example. I realise that they knew no different, but what a drag that would have been.
I often think of those who are isolated in small apartments, or my friends in Spain who can’t go outside for exercise (only for shopping). It’s hard to imagine. Everyone gets by somehow, but I can’t deny we are lucky to be where we are.
Nina
I certainly understand your feelings, but mine are more influenced by what I see going on around me, rather than the confinement itself. We have a wonderful neighborhood but right now four of our closest neighbors are all having family visits! I realize I cannot control the world, but it makes me envious of their being able to see children and grandchildren when we are choosing to follow the guidelines and so cannot see our family. Perhaps the kind of lockdown you have in France is what we need here in the US.
Give yourself permission to be struggling, especially when you have had such grief recently. I hope things improve and that you all stay well.
I can relate to that too. We have a few neighbors who’ve had family around for Sunday gatherings (which technically shouldn’t be happening), and it does the pull the heart-strings to see them all together like that. I’m glad we’re with my dad, but I do miss socializing with others.
And thanks for bringing up the grief. I hadn’t connected it (although it’s obvious if I think about it). I still miss those darn cats so very much.
Nina
Hi Nina and Paul, We are doing fine up here in the Appalachian Mts. of North Carolina. We had full-timed for almost 3 years, but settled in a small home on top of a mountain 3 years ago. We are perched at 2700 ft. in elevation and are 100 ft. higher than the road below us. It is like living in the treetops. Our rig is parked in the yard. We have taken this quarantine time to do every single “to do” project known to man – de-rusting and painting the truck, putting new parts on the car (we already had them here), painting the outside of the house, installing new air vents for the attic air flow, re-doing the insulation in the crawlspace under the house, cleaning out the attic, trimming trees, installing a new sink in the RV, the list is endless. That occupies us, well, mostly occupies my husband. I supervise. Plus, my husband teaches online drum set lessons and I am taking an EMT class that didn’t start out online but is now. We have 4 acres here, mostly vertical, and we have mountains all around us. The views are incredible, nature surrounds us, and we have come to realize that we actually prefer living like this. We have 1 dog and 5 cats, so they keep us busy too. We have plenty of supplies so we rarely have to go into town, 17 miles away. We have decided that we will continue this lifestyle as much as possible after the pandemic subsides. Wishing everyone well. Your photography is stunning.
You are doing beautifully! Love to hear stories like this. And hey, if this Pandemic can teach us what we love in life, that would be a positive thing. Online drum lessons though….your house must be rocking most of the time LOL!!
Nina
You know things are going great most days and then WHAM! One day you drop into a deep hole and wonder how to get out. I am best when the sun shines. This experience with COVID-19 is difficult. There is so much conflicting information being put out. I love your pictures and I hope you can continue to hang in there. Hopefully better days are coming.
You are so right Mary….there are days I’m perfectly fine…high energy, rocking along and then WHAM! And did have three to four days of rain this week so I do think that affected me too. The sun is back today…thankfully!
Nina
‘…put your little hand in mine…’ I think of Groundhog Day often 🙂 .
Such a great quote….Nina
Although I relate to your musings, I feel lucky at the moment. A really nice campground that is near our house offered a summer discount for people staying now. Here in Florida it’s ok for campgrounds to stay open for self-contained RVs – bathhouses are off-limits. We checked mileage on the way over, at at 3.6 miles from home, we are justifying that we’re kind of at home. Anyway, it was a much needed respite from shelter-in-place and we’re hoping it will be enough to keep us going until we can really get out and travel again.
P.S. Love the pictures of views from your place. I think you’ve said before, if you have to be stuck somewhere, it looks like a good place to be.
Sometimes a little change of scenery is all we need. When we were RVing we sometimes didn’t go far at all (I think we had a few drives that were less than 10 miles!) and yet it felt like we were in a completely different space. So glad you’re getting to do that.
Nina
Nina,
Well from the pictures you are fortunate to be in check in what is one of the most beautiful parts of the world from my observation of your pictures.
This too will pass! Hopefully we will be reminded of just how frail the human existence can be and with any luck start planning for the future and these very kinds of things.
We all enjoy your postings, and we greatly sympathy with your feelings..Thank you in your pictures and thoughts for making all of us in quarantine survive another day…..
There’s no doubt we’re in a beautiful place. I honestly can’t complain at all about where we are, or the views we get. And yes….this too shall pass.
Nina
I’ve tried the method of planning the next day as a way to go to sleep, but I always wake up the next morning feeling like I’ve already done it all…and a lot of the time it just seems overwhelming. So…I build houses. I think of the places we might want to have an anchor and build a house to go in that place. Different nights, different degrees of richness or poverty. If it’s a house I particularly like, I might spend the next few nights refining, decorating, landscaping, etc. I put the world in various stages of dystopia at times and try to solve the resulting problems in building and gardening in those circumstances.
Seems to help keep me out of the black pit.
I LOVE that….building houses! What an inspiring mind-game. I don’t have much knack for interior design (or remodeling for that matter), but if I did this would hit the spot. Thanks for sharing!
Nina
I was sorry to hear that you are struggling with the “lock down”. Myself, I tend towards the slightly anti-social and so I think I fare better. In Toronto, we are not locked down but have been asked to stay home. We are allowed to walk any distance we like but cannot congregate or be within 6 feet of each other unless we are living in the same home. We can be fined for breaking this rule. I think because we live in Canada and are inundated by news from the U.S., with all of the deaths there, I just mostly feel grateful for living here. I can’t imagine going through this without access to free medical treatment. I’ll say no more about that for fear of being set upon.
We own a cottage out of the city but the residents have begged us not to come up there because they don’t have the necessary services to take all us city folk on, especially the hospitals. Understanding this, we have remained at home but I think we will pack up all we need around the middle of May. The deal is that we can’t be doing any “how hard can it be” stuff around the cottage which might result in getting stitches at the hospital.
On a sad note, we had to put our beautiful dog Boomer down a couple of weeks ago and that has been the saddest part for all of us. We miss her terribly. It makes me so happy to know that Polly is well. Boomer also wore an invisible watch and would escalate from staring to outright barking if we were more than 5 minutes late with her dinner or one of her walks. It’s amazing how our pets define the hours of our day.
I was thinking, when I read your post, and the replies, that part of the sadness that seems to be settling on many has to do with the fear that our lives will never return to what they were and I think they won’t for some time. A kind of mourning. But … they will return. Just hang onto that idea. We will be free again.
Oh gosh, I’m so terribly sorry to hear about your beautiful Boomer. What a heart-breaking thing to go through during all this. May he RIP & travel with you in spirit until you’re able to join him again.
Nina
It’s amazing how dogs learn to tell time isn’t it! Up until Emmi’s bout with pancreatitis in 2019 we kept food in her bowl all the time–she ate when she was hungry. The emergency veterinarian people gave her “wet” prescription dog food and of course she liked it! We now give her just a bit of that wet food morning and night–she learned to tell time–little stinker! I fall down that rabbit hole these days and have the weeps. I need to see my family–my mother is ill, her husband has died–I need to go home. I miss my friends–one of my best friends lost her husband on March 20th. She is all alone wandering a gigantic house night and day–isolated by herself–I need to go to Kansas City. You guys are staying busy and like you Nina, I like to have a plan for the next day. We are keeping busy with hobbies and the never ending chore list which occurs when you own 40 acres and a house so my falls down the rabbit hole are spaced. We think of you guys often.
We’re lucky that we have space (and a garden) to keep us occupied. We don’t have quite the 40 acres you do, but there’s plenty enough to keep us busy. Sorry you are missing your friends & family. I certainly relate & think many others can too. I’m thankful we can be here with dad during this time (if we weren’t living here he’d be on his own completely), but I do miss others outside of our 3-person circle. Hopefully soon…!
Nina
What a great post, and thanks for being so honest. Like you, my animals keep me on-track, although they are not as subtle as Polly. If I don’t get up at the right time to give my cat breakfast, he sits outside the bedroom door and shouts at the top of his lungs, and my chickens will start kicking up a racket if I don’t open their run door to let them out to mess up the garden. And I have a gang of ferals that wait for me to feed them at the same time every day, and I’d hate to disappoint them.
Unlike you, though, I try not to think about the next day. I try to avoid thinking about the future completely, as it makes me sad that everything will have changed so much. We had plans in June to fly to England and see family and friends. This is now highly unlikely, and even if we can travel, the things we’ll be able to together will be very different; no pub visits, no live bands, no meals out. That gets me down.
I also have to guard against working too much, as I do online freelance and I have a constant nagging feeling that I need to earn enough money while I can to tide me through if things get even tougher. I need to make myself log off and relax. Your Pilates idea is good, I shall visit her YouTube channel. And I’m lucky enough, like you, to have a companion in this. I can’t imagine how people living alone find things.
Thinking about the future is a tough one at the moment. I can think a day ahead, but not too much further simply because I have no idea what that looks like and like you said, that’s just depressing. So I totally relate to that struggle. As the plans for restriction easing get released, hopefully soon, we’ll all get to do that (think & dream ahead) again.
Nina
Everyone knows about the fight or flight response to stressors but there’s a third one–freeze. I think those of us whose instinct is to freeze are probably handling this self-isolation thing better than those whose instinct is for flight. Which doesn’t mean I didn’t also go through a weepy phase; I suspect we are all mourning “normal”.
Very true. I think everyone handles isolation differently, depending on their personality. I always feel best when I’m traveling & free, and this lock-down is the exact opposite of that, so I do think that’s part of the problem. And yes, we’re all mourning “normal” in our own way.
Nina
Hang in there, Nina. But, as my wife said a couple of days ago, “I wonder if the Donner’s were actually hungry.”
HA! Good laugh there…thanks!
Nina
Dear Nina,
Thank you for sharing. I resonate with you. I never know whether I am an introvert or an extravert, I guess I am a bit of both. When I can’t see people I miss them terribly. I love to connect with people, at work or anywhere. But I can also have too much of it and a strong need to be alone. Well, you can guess that there is quite enough solitude now and I am craving for human connection and touch. Fortunately, my husband made it home from Germany before the lockdown, so we are in this together. I wouldn’t know how I would survive all by myself here. I can feel sad for no apparent reason and not wanting to do anything. Fortunately there is still work. And it helps indeed to stick to a daily routine, shower, shave and get dressed in the morning even though I am not going to see anyone.
I love reading your blog, it feels as if you are a trusted friend. Stay safe and sane.
Koos
I’m just like you I think….a bit of both the extrovert & the introvert (I do think you can be both to some extent!). The unexplained sadness & lack of energy you mention are certainly symptoms of depression, which I think everyone gets a little of during this kind of thing. I’m so glad your husband is there with you. And thank you so much for checking in.
Nina
OMGosh, thank you. Two weeks ago I found myself saying I have been pretty joyful in all this. That was two weeks ago. Today, another “ground hog day”.
It is either raining or incredibly windy for the last three weeks here in SW Virginia and I am getting cranky and going a bit dark. I thought this morning, “I just want a hug from someone other than my husband”. That might be awhile.
I have plenty to do here in the rig, praying, Zoom meetings, making masks. Yesterday I actually got out of my uniform of yoga pants and tshirt for a dress and make up. And… I just want to get out.
Today it’s beautifully sunny and very windy. So I think I’ll take some suggestions, shake it up a bit with some yoga and some photography class exercises. Thanks again for your honesty. I know we are in this together and it’s nice to read from someone else what I’m feeling. Be safe.
I’m glad I resonated with you. I do think feeling suddenly “down” is a normal reaction during such times. I have good days (mostly good days, I should add!), but then I do have those down days that come out of nowhere.
I love the idea of dressing up for an evening. I’m not much of a dress & make-up gal (too much of a tom-boy I guess!), but I love that idea of just mixing it up.
Nina
By nature, I’m a loner but still feel cooped up. I guess it’s the independency that we miss…being able to go out to eat, shop, visit, see a movie, etc. I know I do. I don’t necessarily need to be socializing with people but I have the need to go out and do the things I enjoy. I once visited NYC and stayed in a historic hotel with shared bathroom. Later I found out this hotel is also an extended stay hotel and people live year around there. OMG I thought, a perfect place to live. I mean, step out the door and shops and eateries all up and down the streets including grocery and drug stores. I was amazed. I could go out in middle of the night and at end of block find a small café still open and serving food. SoHo, Italian and all kinds of ethic districts close by. I was in heaven. Now, looking back I’m thinking OMG folks must be going nuts shut into small space with no where to go eat or shop. I mean there are a million and one things to do right at your finger tips but right now they are all closed. What a mess. Luckily I’m comfy at home in Phoenix with a neighborhood park across the street from me and I’m in the burbs so not heavily populated. I live in a small bungalow full of palo verde trees that are blooming yellow flowers now. My yard is coming alive with flowers and trees blooming.
I’ve thought of folks in the city quite a lot these past weeks. I LOVE big city living (Hong Kong, New York etc.), but the main draw about those places is the ability to just walk out of the apartment to eat, see a movie, buy a coffee, go to a bookstore, socialize etc….To be in a big city and be stuck inside a small space would be horrible. I am glad we have a garden & yard here.
Nina
“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times” That is SO good… had to to think about that, u know i have always thought that happiness just is or isn’t there…. depending on what is gping on in your life…. BUT it is a choice. I want you to know that i have SO enjoyed your blog over the years, don’t know that there were many times i have left a comment, maybe a couple… and your pictures are to die for, so very beautiful.. We are getting by here in Redmond, Oregon. Long way from where u are. the fact is i will more than likely never get to some of the places you have been to, so i really like your stories, places you guys have been, the travel, work camping. And Europe…. read so many books placed there and follow along on a map, so sort of vicariously see the place and time.. thank you so.. especially for making me see happiness…
I LOVE hearing from my Oregon readers. I dream about OR quite a lot. It’s still one of our favorite states, and a place that will have my heart for life. I hope to travel back there again.
And yes that happiness is a choice quote is interesting isn’t it? And the fact that he said it thousands of years ago, just boggles the mind. I guess ancient Greeks had the same mind problems we do. Amazing to think about.
Nina
I think more of us are spending time inside our heads these days. Whether lamenting or planning or reflecting or meditating, we’ve been given more enforced time to hang out internally. Even for those of us who enjoy spending time without a lot of other people, being given no choice in the matter is frustrating. Not knowing when it will end is often frightening. Freedom is no longer something we take for granted. Thanks for sharing your personal reality, I agree it helps to know how we’re each dealing. Glad Polly is keeping you two on your toes :-))
I think you hit on a key point. Not know WHEN all this will end is really trying. I’m the kind of gal who always wants to plan. Whether it’s hiking, or making something, or going somewhere I always want to know the details of when, where and how long it all takes. If it takes 3 months or a year then no problem…I can plan mentally for that. But not knowing at all, wow..that messes with my mind no end.
Nina
I think your 1-km restricted zone is making it much harder than what we are dealing with here in North Carolina. We are able to take long walks (4 miles this morning) and bike rides, and those go far to stave off anxiety and depression. Sure, we’d love to be able to browse around markets and grocery stores like usual, so that bit has changed (and obviously not for the better), but we have been able to stock up so can make nice food here at home. And the farmer’s market allows ordering in advance and pick up the day of, so that works out pretty well also. Being an introvert, I don’t mind the extra time for reading and piddling around, enjoying the springtime weather, and maybe even getting a bit more sleep than usual. If this were to go on for months, it would be harder to face, but currently it’s really not that huge a change from our usual quiet, retired life. Hang in there — this can’t possibly last forever!
The 1 km circle really has felt very confining. I’d love to drive down to our local lake (just a few km away) to take a different kind of hike, but even that is off limits at the moment. All this WILL pass…and I know I’ll have many, many good days ahead. Just need to get there.
Nina
I must be one of those few who enjoy being alone. And being in a wheelchair now my life is pretty limited anyway. But I was struck by that quote about happiness being a choice. My dad gave me the book The Power of Positive Thinking way back when I was a teenager, and I’m slowly realizing that it’s become a habit, a really good habit in the present circumstances. Love your blog, been reading it for years.
The Power of Positive Thinking is a fabulous book. I read it many years ago, but you’ve given me a push to read it again. Thank you for that and thank you for following along on our blog journey too.
Nina
You had me at “I don’t always know where a blog post will go once I start it, so there’s that” and the difficulty of this lockdown when tending towards depression (also my situation). I have written in journals all my life and blogged since starting full-timing 4 years ago. So last month I challenged myself to write a post every day about something. I thought it would be about things within a mile of my home, but it turned out to be things within my heart that I needed to write about. And my readers responded the most to those posts where I opened up about struggling or feeling stuck in this crazy time. And that’s exactly what your blog is giving me, the connection of knowing I’m not the only one that feels this way. So thank you very much! And may we all stay healthy and emerge from our lockdowns as stronger, better people to each other.
Well done on your blogging! And yes, readers connect to things that are real, so these struggles that you share strike a cord. Continue on with it all. I think you’ll find it very fulfilling.
Nina